'Negging' Moves Beyond The Bar Scene

Imagine you’re in Dictionary Land, and you see one editor say to another: “Write an article on the term negging—that is, if you can figure out what it means.”

Ouch.

That statement is an example of negging. (It’s also fiction; lexicographers know that there’s no shame in being uncertain about what a word means. It’s just an opportunity to learn.)

To neg someone is to criticize or insult them in order to achieve a particular purpose. Usually the criticism or insult is pretty mild, and the purpose can vary. Negging may be simply a way to initiate a conversation with someone, or to attract their attention. Or more sinisterly, negging can be a way to exert control over someone by weakening their self-esteem.

The term dates to around the turn of the current century. It hatched from the keyboards of men who identify as pick-up artists, or PUAs—you know, the men who gather online to post self-tanner reviews and swap strategies for approaching attractive women. They've developed their own argot to aid them in their conquests, and contributed negging to the lexicon along the way.

Photo: Phoenixns

"Two stars. Did not enjoy negging"

Among PUAs, the purpose of negging is to surprise a woman enough for her to take an interest in the confident and judgmental man issuing the insult. An article in the New York Times published when the term was still new detailed the technique with a description of one such enterprising seduction guru, a man who calls himself “Mystery”:

The "neg," for example, is his invention. Neither a compliment nor an insult, a neg holds two purposes: to momentarily lower a woman's self-esteem and to suggest an intriguing disinterest. ("Nice nails. Are they real? No? Oh, they look nice anyway.") Mystery cautions online, however, that negging is only for exceptionally beautiful women used to a steady stream of compliments.
— Neil Strauss, The New York Times, 25 January 2004

The technique got some good press:

What works on women, he says in the book, is a series of moves and dialogue to convey absolutely no interest at all. One way to do this is to initiate a conversation by “negging” a woman, which is hiding an insult within a compliment. One example in the book: “I loved Bugs Bunny cartoons when I was a kid. You have the cutest little Bugs Bunny overbite.”
— Jon Ibrahim, The Chicago Tribune, 3 October 2005

Negging presumably derives from negative or negation, and as new coinages go, it’s been quite successful, expanding in meaning to be applied in broader contexts. In this expanded form, negging can be about any kind of insulting, teasing, or denigrating:

But, as we found out on last night's Carpool Karaoke with James Corden, singing along to Madonna sans Madonna means that you don't have to deal with Madonna flouting seatbelt laws and negging on your shirt.
— Jennifer Campbell, thestranger.com, 8 December 2016

But even as the term has taken on broader use with a softened, generalized meaning, negging in its traditional use is increasingly being identified as something dangerous and tantamount in some cases to abuse:

Let's be clear here: negging is a form of emotional abuse, and emotional abuse is never acceptable, no matter how normal or even acceptable it may begin to feel.
— Dionne Brighton, Marie Claire (UK), 3 August 2022

Negging … is a manipulative tactic that involves giving someone a backhanded compliment in what is essentially an insult masquerading as a compliment. From creating a general feeling of uneasiness to heightened anxiety, decreased self-worth and a constant need for validation, negging can have an immensely detrimental impact on the receiver’s well-being over time. Studies also find that negging harms the giver’s likability, making it a lose-lose situation for all involved.
— Mike Travers, Forbes, 25 July 2023

But because humans are always complicated, not all targets of negging think it’s abusive; some enjoy it:

For many women, the technique has come to define their flirting style of lightly mean repartee. In my own experience, even the arguments about whether negging is occurring or not are part of this coy debate. It only works if the subtext to what you’re saying is that I’m attractive and you care. Really, I just want to see what you’ll say next, whether you’ve been paying attention, if you’re hinting that I’m actually out of our league. It’s a back-and-forth. It becomes, as [Neil] Strauss [author of The Game] called it, a game. We know exactly what these guys are doing. Now who exactly is picking up who?
— Magdalene J. Taylor, The Cut, 23 Aug. 2023

Regardless of where one stands on the ethics of negging, the word is useful for identifying behavior, and for that reason alone we thank Mystery and all the other pick-up artists who have given so many free Friday and Saturday nights to add such a handy term to our lexicon. English thanks you, even though you look goofy in that fuzzy hat.

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